Oregon Man Writes an Onion-style Article in Hopes The Onion Will Print It

PORTLAND, ORE—Standing in the kitchen, making Challah French Toast with Cloves and Birch Syrup, local man Matthew Oliphant realized he wanted to write a article for The Onion about wanting to write a article for The Onion.

“They’ve probably done it before, but why not try,” said Oliphant to his wife as he scrambled to his home office to write down this sentence in-between flips of the actively-cooking French Toast.

While imagining being reached for comment, Oliphant posited that this, “may literally be the most meta thing ever done. Classic Literally in this sense. Not New Literally.”

In early 2014, dictionary publishers around the world added Figuratively as a definition for Literally. “Literally means Figuratively now? What’s up with that,” added Oliphant, in an attempt to drive up word-count, but instead diverting the reader of this article on a tangent that undercuts the whole meta aspect that was the original point of the article.

“Basically, if they publish this, it will be a whim come true. And probably break the internet,” said Oliphant in a half-hearted attempt to drive the joke home.

At publishing time, editors at The Onion remained pointedly unavailable for comment after refusing to publish this article.